Not A Hipster Mom

When it happened, she caught me completely off guard. For a few seconds, all I could think of was that scene in Kindergarten Cop, when the little boy stands up in front of his class and proudly proclaims, “Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!” much to the amusement of the other children.  My daughter was sitting on the toilet, when out of nowhere she started to imitate the way little boys hold themselves when they pee.  “Mommy,” she said, “this is how Dylan goes pee pee at school.”  I nodded, and said, “Yes, baby, that’s because Dylan is a boy. Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina. Dylan is a boy, and you’re a...” I waited for her response.  “Girl!” she shouted. But it didn’t end there. “Mommy,” she said, “I want one.”  “You want what,” I said in shock, “a penis?” “Yes, Mommy. Me have one when I get bigger?” she asked hopefully, her face as sweet and eager as a kid on Christmas morning. “No, baby, you will never have a penis...

When my daughter and I embarked on our potty training adventure back in December, I thought I was prepared. Being me, I had done my fair share of reading on the subject, and I had spoken to several moms who had already been through the process at least once. I knew which potty seat to buy, I had already purchased a couple of picture books on the subject, and I felt like I had a solid plan of action. But, as with so many things in life, potty training turned out to be one of those experiences that is impossible to truly comprehend until you are in the thick of it. That said, here are ten things that no one told me about potty training …  so now you can’t say no one warned you. 10. The worth of a pull-up is dependent on the cartoon character it features. Minnie Mouse name brand pull-ups (as in Minnie Mouse from “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse,” not old school Minnie Mouse--this is important) are my daughter’s ideal choice, but if she’s run through all of those already, she will also acc...

My daughter and I are going through a phase right now. At least, I hope it’s a phase. For the last month she has refused to sleep in her own bed. Sometimes I win, and she starts out in her own room--usually on the floor--but she almost always ends up in my bed in the middle of the night. And because I need my sleep too much to fight with her, she almost always stays there until morning.  She has cried every night for the last month in the hopes that exhausted, I’ll give in and allow her to sleep in my bed. Some nights I have caved, and then sat bitterly in the living room, exiled from my bedroom. Other nights I let her cry, bringing her back to her bedroom over and over again until she finally passes out at 10:30 or 11pm. When I asked her why she doesn’t want to sleep in her bed anymore, she said that there are monsters under her bed. I did a thorough examination, getting down on my knees and peering under the bed in an effort to prove to her that there were no monsters whatso...

Confession: for the last week or so, I have been using M&M's to help manage my daughter's behavior. I became a single mom a few months after she turned one, and it didn't take me very long to realize what I believe is one of the great truths about single parenting: you have to pick your battles. While this is true for two-parent households, too, at least when there's two of you, you can tag team. When your toddler is having a tantrum, you can team up to calm her down. Or you can take turns. Or, if you're desperate, you can always go with the old, "Just wait until your father gets home!" When it's just you and your two-your-old child, who is more stubborn and strong-willed than any adult you've ever met, failing to pick your battles is the fastest way to go bat shit crazy. And that's not good for anyone. For the record, my daughter is actually pretty well behaved. I'm sure every mother says that about their child, but in this case ...