Ten Questions Not to Ask a New Mom
As some of you may know, my boyfriend and I recently welcomed a new member into our family. Our baby girl was born a few weeks ago, and we are beyond thrilled to have her round-out our blended family of five, which includes his 10yo daughter from a previous relationship, my 7yo daughter from a previous relationship, and now our baby girl together.
It has been seven years since I last had a newborn, and I’m already realizing how many things I’ve forgotten (read: blocked out) from the last time around. I forgot how hungry little babies are, how exhausting and often monotonous new parenting is, and how adorable kids are before they learn how to sass and complain. ;) I also forgot how nosy and judgemental people can be when you’re a “new” mom. The same people who think they have a right to ask you incredibly invasive questions when you’re pregnant, have even more questions once the baby is born. I feel like most of the time, people aren’t intentionally trying to upset you, but that still doesn’t make it okay. Caring for a newborn is difficult enough without fielding a never-ending stream of way-too-personal inquiries. And when you try to push back, people think you’re being rude or too sensitive.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of these types of questions lately, and I see these same topics being debated over and over in online mommy groups, too. The following are 10 questions that new moms get asked by friends, family, Internet acquaintances, and people at the grocery store, that frankly are nobody’s business. Can you relate?
1. “Did you have a vaginal delivery, or a c-section?” Unless you need to know this for medical or state disability purposes, this is not an appropriate question to ask a new mom. Not only is the act of childbirth a very private matter, but there is a lot of judgement shown toward women who have c-sections, and it’s totally unwarranted. If a woman wants to share her birth experience with you, she will. Otherwise: zip it.
2. “Did you have a “natural” birth, or an epidural?” This one falls in the same category as the first question on this list. It is a loaded question that invites a lot of shaming. First of all, I hate the expression “natural childbirth.” Any birth that felt right to the mother, is “natural.” Instead let’s call it what it is: unmedicated. And if a mother chooses to have a medicated birth, there is no shame in that, and no one has the right to judge. Childbirth is insanely painful, and there is nothing wrong with easing that pain with medication. Anyone who has a problem with that needs to get off their high horse.
3. “How much did your baby weigh?” This question may seem innocent enough, but unless you gave birth to a perfectly average seven-pound baby, people like to judge. When your baby is small, they wonder what you did to “cause” that. When your baby is big, they want to know if you had gestational diabetes or gained too much weight during pregnancy. If a mother chooses not to announce her child’s birth weight, don’t ask. If she wanted to share that information, she would.
4. “Did you circumcise your son?” These days, there is a growing movement against circumcision, which for many years has been standard practice in the United States. If you have an ethical issue with it, don’t make that choice for your child. And on the flipside, if you think it’s unsanitary not to circumcise, you are entitled to those feelings too, but again, it’s not your place to vocalize that to anyone other than your partner. However you feel about circumcision, your personal feelings on the matter don’t give you the right to ask a question about a child’s penis. That’s not only invasive, it’s totally inappropriate/gross. Worry about your own child’s private parts and take your judgement elsewhere.
5. “Are you breastfeeding?” When it comes to judgemental questions, this is probably the one new moms get asked the most. Talk about your loaded question! Breastfeeding is such a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation. If you choose to breastfeed, people will judge you on where, how (covered, or not), and for how long you do so. If you choose not to breastfeed (whether it’s because you physically can’t, or for whatever other reason, including just not wanting to, which is a valid enough reason on its own), people will judge you for, “not doing what’s best for your baby.” The reality is that whatever feels right for that particular mommy and baby, is what’s best for that baby, whether that is nursing until the child is three, or never nursing at all. If a woman wants you to know how she’s feeding her baby, she’ll tell you. In the end, all that really matters is that the baby is being fed.
6. “Do you want to have more children?” Don’t ask a woman who just gave birth if she wants to have another baby. Slow your roll. The child just got here.
7. “Is your husband disappointed that the baby is a girl?” Every time I hear this one, I am disgusted anew. Yes, he’s terribly disappointed. He wants to give it back. It’s off with my head if I don’t bear him a male heir. *rolls eyes* I mean, come ON.
8. “Are you going to try again for a girl/boy (if all of your children are the same gender)?” Why do people assume that it’s a disappointment to have all of your children the same gender? I have all girls and I love it. Having a sibling that is the same gender is wonderful, and a family does not need to have one of each to be “complete.” The idea of the nuclear family with a mom, dad, son, and daughter is an outdated 1950’s notion that screams of sexist gender norms. If you want to have another child in the hopes of having a child of the opposite gender, there is nothing wrong with that. But don’t assume that others feel the same way.
9. “Are you planning to stay home with your baby?” Even now, in 2018, there is a lot of judgement dumped on “working moms,” i.e. women who work another job in addition to the full-time job that is being a parent. No one would ever think to ask a new dad if they plan to go back to work, but somehow this is still seen as an appropriate question to ask women. Many of us (including myself) balance career and momlife, and whether that is out of necessity, desire, or a combination of the two, it’s no one’s place to judge. I work hard to help support my family AND to further my own career and artistic goals, and I’m damn proud of that. One day my kids will see that women do not have to give up their careers in order to fulfill their dreams of having children, and my kids are perfectly happy and adequately cared for while I’m working. And on the flipside, if a woman makes the decision to stay home with her children (or has to for financial reasons, due to the high cost of childcare), that’s a valid choice too. We don’t ask men to make a choice and then report-out on that choice, so why are we still asking this of women?
10. “Have you lost the baby weight yet?” Body-shaming and postpartum life go hand in hand, and often times it’s other women who are doing the shaming. It can be difficult enough to face the reality of the postpartum body, with the extra weight, the loose skin, the swollen and/or droopy boobs, the stretch marks, the skin discoloration, the loss of hair, and all of the other changes our bodies go through as a result of having a baby, without fielding questions about when we’re going to regain our “pre-pregnancy bodies.” Sometimes body-shaming comes in the form of questions, sometimes it comes in the form of media images of celebrities who “got their body back” in a matter of weeks, and sometimes it’s other moms aggressively pushing weight loss wraps and shakes on social media. Regardless of the format, it’s never okay to make a woman feel insecure about her body, especially after her body has gone through the incredible process of growing, giving birth to, and now sustaining a human life. I’ve worked hard for every single extra pound and tiger stripe on my body, and if you dare to ask me if I’ve lost the weight yet (or if I need “help” doing so), you do so at your own risk.
What questions would you add to this list? Leave me a comment, and let me know!
It has been seven years since I last had a newborn, and I’m already realizing how many things I’ve forgotten (read: blocked out) from the last time around. I forgot how hungry little babies are, how exhausting and often monotonous new parenting is, and how adorable kids are before they learn how to sass and complain. ;) I also forgot how nosy and judgemental people can be when you’re a “new” mom. The same people who think they have a right to ask you incredibly invasive questions when you’re pregnant, have even more questions once the baby is born. I feel like most of the time, people aren’t intentionally trying to upset you, but that still doesn’t make it okay. Caring for a newborn is difficult enough without fielding a never-ending stream of way-too-personal inquiries. And when you try to push back, people think you’re being rude or too sensitive.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of these types of questions lately, and I see these same topics being debated over and over in online mommy groups, too. The following are 10 questions that new moms get asked by friends, family, Internet acquaintances, and people at the grocery store, that frankly are nobody’s business. Can you relate?
1. “Did you have a vaginal delivery, or a c-section?” Unless you need to know this for medical or state disability purposes, this is not an appropriate question to ask a new mom. Not only is the act of childbirth a very private matter, but there is a lot of judgement shown toward women who have c-sections, and it’s totally unwarranted. If a woman wants to share her birth experience with you, she will. Otherwise: zip it.
2. “Did you have a “natural” birth, or an epidural?” This one falls in the same category as the first question on this list. It is a loaded question that invites a lot of shaming. First of all, I hate the expression “natural childbirth.” Any birth that felt right to the mother, is “natural.” Instead let’s call it what it is: unmedicated. And if a mother chooses to have a medicated birth, there is no shame in that, and no one has the right to judge. Childbirth is insanely painful, and there is nothing wrong with easing that pain with medication. Anyone who has a problem with that needs to get off their high horse.
3. “How much did your baby weigh?” This question may seem innocent enough, but unless you gave birth to a perfectly average seven-pound baby, people like to judge. When your baby is small, they wonder what you did to “cause” that. When your baby is big, they want to know if you had gestational diabetes or gained too much weight during pregnancy. If a mother chooses not to announce her child’s birth weight, don’t ask. If she wanted to share that information, she would.
4. “Did you circumcise your son?” These days, there is a growing movement against circumcision, which for many years has been standard practice in the United States. If you have an ethical issue with it, don’t make that choice for your child. And on the flipside, if you think it’s unsanitary not to circumcise, you are entitled to those feelings too, but again, it’s not your place to vocalize that to anyone other than your partner. However you feel about circumcision, your personal feelings on the matter don’t give you the right to ask a question about a child’s penis. That’s not only invasive, it’s totally inappropriate/gross. Worry about your own child’s private parts and take your judgement elsewhere.
5. “Are you breastfeeding?” When it comes to judgemental questions, this is probably the one new moms get asked the most. Talk about your loaded question! Breastfeeding is such a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation. If you choose to breastfeed, people will judge you on where, how (covered, or not), and for how long you do so. If you choose not to breastfeed (whether it’s because you physically can’t, or for whatever other reason, including just not wanting to, which is a valid enough reason on its own), people will judge you for, “not doing what’s best for your baby.” The reality is that whatever feels right for that particular mommy and baby, is what’s best for that baby, whether that is nursing until the child is three, or never nursing at all. If a woman wants you to know how she’s feeding her baby, she’ll tell you. In the end, all that really matters is that the baby is being fed.
6. “Do you want to have more children?” Don’t ask a woman who just gave birth if she wants to have another baby. Slow your roll. The child just got here.
7. “Is your husband disappointed that the baby is a girl?” Every time I hear this one, I am disgusted anew. Yes, he’s terribly disappointed. He wants to give it back. It’s off with my head if I don’t bear him a male heir. *rolls eyes* I mean, come ON.
8. “Are you going to try again for a girl/boy (if all of your children are the same gender)?” Why do people assume that it’s a disappointment to have all of your children the same gender? I have all girls and I love it. Having a sibling that is the same gender is wonderful, and a family does not need to have one of each to be “complete.” The idea of the nuclear family with a mom, dad, son, and daughter is an outdated 1950’s notion that screams of sexist gender norms. If you want to have another child in the hopes of having a child of the opposite gender, there is nothing wrong with that. But don’t assume that others feel the same way.
9. “Are you planning to stay home with your baby?” Even now, in 2018, there is a lot of judgement dumped on “working moms,” i.e. women who work another job in addition to the full-time job that is being a parent. No one would ever think to ask a new dad if they plan to go back to work, but somehow this is still seen as an appropriate question to ask women. Many of us (including myself) balance career and momlife, and whether that is out of necessity, desire, or a combination of the two, it’s no one’s place to judge. I work hard to help support my family AND to further my own career and artistic goals, and I’m damn proud of that. One day my kids will see that women do not have to give up their careers in order to fulfill their dreams of having children, and my kids are perfectly happy and adequately cared for while I’m working. And on the flipside, if a woman makes the decision to stay home with her children (or has to for financial reasons, due to the high cost of childcare), that’s a valid choice too. We don’t ask men to make a choice and then report-out on that choice, so why are we still asking this of women?
10. “Have you lost the baby weight yet?” Body-shaming and postpartum life go hand in hand, and often times it’s other women who are doing the shaming. It can be difficult enough to face the reality of the postpartum body, with the extra weight, the loose skin, the swollen and/or droopy boobs, the stretch marks, the skin discoloration, the loss of hair, and all of the other changes our bodies go through as a result of having a baby, without fielding questions about when we’re going to regain our “pre-pregnancy bodies.” Sometimes body-shaming comes in the form of questions, sometimes it comes in the form of media images of celebrities who “got their body back” in a matter of weeks, and sometimes it’s other moms aggressively pushing weight loss wraps and shakes on social media. Regardless of the format, it’s never okay to make a woman feel insecure about her body, especially after her body has gone through the incredible process of growing, giving birth to, and now sustaining a human life. I’ve worked hard for every single extra pound and tiger stripe on my body, and if you dare to ask me if I’ve lost the weight yet (or if I need “help” doing so), you do so at your own risk.
What questions would you add to this list? Leave me a comment, and let me know!
Some of these I would never even think of asking anyone (circumcision, breast feeding, losing the baby weight, among others..). But there are a couple that I have asked people that I am close to. I wouldn't ask the woman wearing her baby at Albertson's if she wanted to have more children, but I might ask my sister-in-law.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine not having an epidural. In fact, I would go so far as to tell anyone that having an epidural was the best thing that ever happened to me while I was in labor (including the fact that I had to have two and the first one gave me back labor). However, I don't think that people who choose not to use this wonderful, medical miracle are wrong. Everyone can do whatever they want haha. I have, actually, found that most women who are pregnant will conduct an informal poll of other women in their lives and find out the pros and cons for themselves. I don't think I've ever asked someone after the fact. I mean, what good would it do a woman who didn't choose to have an epidural to find out that my child's actual delivery was painless? None whatsoever.
My sister-in-law has said (all four times that she has given birth), "I'm getting an epidural this time!" And, yet, each time, the baby is just SOOOOO ready to be born that there isn't TIME for her to get said epidural. Poor girl.. she wants one and can't get to the hospital in time to have it!
Okay, I'm rambling at 1am. Signing off!
I had an epidural both times and have zero regrets!
Delete