M&M's: Experimenting with Positive Reinforcement
Confession: for the last week or so, I have been using M&M's to help manage my daughter's behavior.
I became a single mom a few months after she turned one, and it didn't take me very long to realize what I believe is one of the great truths about single parenting: you have to pick your battles. While this is true for two-parent households, too, at least when there's two of you, you can tag team. When your toddler is having a tantrum, you can team up to calm her down. Or you can take turns. Or, if you're desperate, you can always go with the old, "Just wait until your father gets home!"
When it's just you and your two-your-old child, who is more stubborn and strong-willed than any adult you've ever met, failing to pick your battles is the fastest way to go bat shit crazy. And that's not good for anyone.
For the record, my daughter is actually pretty well behaved. I'm sure every mother says that about their child, but in this case it's true. Everywhere we go, people compliment me on how well-behaved and good-natured she is. However, she is still two, which means she has at least a few mini meltdowns every day, mostly when I ask her to do something that she doesn't want to do.
There are different methods of discipling children, and every parent has to do what works for them, but I personally am not a spanker, for many reasons which I won't go into now. I will say that spanking is the easy option. When you eliminate physical punishment as a method of disciplining your child, you are forced to find a more creative way of creating consequences for their behavior. The problem with two-year-olds is that they are nearly impossible to reason with, and they are too young to really understand the concept of "time out." The only thing left, it seemed to me, was using threats, namely an early bedtime. That doesn't always work, though.
Here's an example. I am trying to teach my daughter to clean up her toys before she goes to bed. Like a lot of kids her age, she likes to take out all of her toys when she plays, and the result is a huge mess. I want her to learn to pick up after herself, and I know that the key is to start them young. But by that time of day, she is exhausted, and so am I, and my threats of an early bedtime often turn into us arguing over it for ten minutes, before I give up and announce that she's going to bed. Then later I get to crawl around on my hand and knees, picking up her toys while my back throbs. I've gotten really tired of this routine. It accomplishes nothing, and I want the little time I have with her during the week to be as happy and peaceful as possible.
With that in mind, I have decided to give positive reinforcement a try. Rather than threaten, I reward good behavior. And what I have learned is that she will do almost anything for a handful of M&M's. She will clean up those toys. She will behave herself at Target, while all around her little kids are losing it. She will eat all of her vegetables. She will even take herself from hysterical to calm, in approximately five seconds.
That's bribery, you might say. And bribing kids is a slippery slope. You have to be careful! Okay, sure, but let me pose this question: why is it that when adults are promised a reward for good behavior (for example, a bonus at work), we call it an incentive, but when we do this with our children, it's seen as a bribe--a word with decidedly negative implications?
Until I have a reason to stop, I will continue to offer up her favorite chocolaty treats as an incentive for her to go against her two-year-old instincts, which tell her that she doesn't need to listen to me, because she is the queen of the universe. I am a little concerned that she may come to expect M&M's every day, but again, you have to pick your battles. A slight chocolate addiction seems a small price to pay for a happy and peaceful home.
In the meantime, I have stocked up on M&M's, and it's calmer here than it has been in months. Of course, now I have a new problem: attempting to go against my natural instincts, which tell me that I deserve some M&M's, too. Maybe a lot of M&M's. Maybe every last one.
I became a single mom a few months after she turned one, and it didn't take me very long to realize what I believe is one of the great truths about single parenting: you have to pick your battles. While this is true for two-parent households, too, at least when there's two of you, you can tag team. When your toddler is having a tantrum, you can team up to calm her down. Or you can take turns. Or, if you're desperate, you can always go with the old, "Just wait until your father gets home!"
When it's just you and your two-your-old child, who is more stubborn and strong-willed than any adult you've ever met, failing to pick your battles is the fastest way to go bat shit crazy. And that's not good for anyone.
For the record, my daughter is actually pretty well behaved. I'm sure every mother says that about their child, but in this case it's true. Everywhere we go, people compliment me on how well-behaved and good-natured she is. However, she is still two, which means she has at least a few mini meltdowns every day, mostly when I ask her to do something that she doesn't want to do.
There are different methods of discipling children, and every parent has to do what works for them, but I personally am not a spanker, for many reasons which I won't go into now. I will say that spanking is the easy option. When you eliminate physical punishment as a method of disciplining your child, you are forced to find a more creative way of creating consequences for their behavior. The problem with two-year-olds is that they are nearly impossible to reason with, and they are too young to really understand the concept of "time out." The only thing left, it seemed to me, was using threats, namely an early bedtime. That doesn't always work, though.
Here's an example. I am trying to teach my daughter to clean up her toys before she goes to bed. Like a lot of kids her age, she likes to take out all of her toys when she plays, and the result is a huge mess. I want her to learn to pick up after herself, and I know that the key is to start them young. But by that time of day, she is exhausted, and so am I, and my threats of an early bedtime often turn into us arguing over it for ten minutes, before I give up and announce that she's going to bed. Then later I get to crawl around on my hand and knees, picking up her toys while my back throbs. I've gotten really tired of this routine. It accomplishes nothing, and I want the little time I have with her during the week to be as happy and peaceful as possible.
With that in mind, I have decided to give positive reinforcement a try. Rather than threaten, I reward good behavior. And what I have learned is that she will do almost anything for a handful of M&M's. She will clean up those toys. She will behave herself at Target, while all around her little kids are losing it. She will eat all of her vegetables. She will even take herself from hysterical to calm, in approximately five seconds.
That's bribery, you might say. And bribing kids is a slippery slope. You have to be careful! Okay, sure, but let me pose this question: why is it that when adults are promised a reward for good behavior (for example, a bonus at work), we call it an incentive, but when we do this with our children, it's seen as a bribe--a word with decidedly negative implications?
Until I have a reason to stop, I will continue to offer up her favorite chocolaty treats as an incentive for her to go against her two-year-old instincts, which tell her that she doesn't need to listen to me, because she is the queen of the universe. I am a little concerned that she may come to expect M&M's every day, but again, you have to pick your battles. A slight chocolate addiction seems a small price to pay for a happy and peaceful home.
In the meantime, I have stocked up on M&M's, and it's calmer here than it has been in months. Of course, now I have a new problem: attempting to go against my natural instincts, which tell me that I deserve some M&M's, too. Maybe a lot of M&M's. Maybe every last one.
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