There’s No One to Buy Me Flowers this Mother’s Day, and that’s Okay: Mother’s Day as a single mom

This Sunday is Mother’s Day, and mothers across the country will celebrate with their families in a grand show of appreciation to the women who bring us into the world, raise us to adulthood, and continue to nurture us even once we have children of our own. 

This Sunday, mothers will receive flowers, cards, gifts, and jewelry, and some will even eat breakfast in bed courtesy of their spouses and children, who will be well-meaning if not successful in their cooking attempts. While there are some mothers who choose to opt out of this holiday for various reasons, on the whole, this Mother’s Day most of America will find a way to show their wives and mothers just how much they appreciate them.

I’ve always had a complicated relationship with Mother’s Day given my complicated relationship with my mother, and I always hoped that one day I would have children, and we would create our own Mother’s Day traditions. I told myself that I would reinvent Mother’s Day for myself once I would be the mother, and not the child. 

But the truth is, that when I was imagining all of the wonderful Mother’s Days I would have with my own children, I never pictured myself as a single mother. There was always a husband, a father, there to help the kids make brunch, or surprise me with flowers, or help the little ones write their names on the cards. In fact, in pretty much every advertisement you see, there is a husband there (or assumed to be there) to help coordinate the day. Why, considering the abundance of single moms out there now? Because young children don’t know how to purchase gifts and flowers and orchestrate meals by themselves -- that’s the dad’s job, at least until the kids get older.

When I left my marriage I became a single mom, something I had never anticipated or imagined. It has been almost two years now, and I have never regretted my decision, but I would be lying if I said being a single mom is anything other than extremely difficult. I have my daughter full-time, which means that I don’t get a break unless I get a babysitter, which I have started to do more and more now that she is getting a little older. I work my ass off at work every day to support us both and give her the best childhood that I possibly can, and then I come home and spend as much time with her as possible before she goes to bed and we do the whole thing all over again. And I am not alone... there are so many women like me out there, who struggle to be both mom and dad to their children, and do so with a smile, so the kids never notice our exhaustion or frustration. 

The irony is that these moms -- single moms like me with young children -- are the least likely to be showered with appreciation on Mother’s Day. There’s no one to buy me flowers or cook me breakfast, and my daughter is too young to understand the significance of the day. While she might make me a card at school, the reality is that if we do anything to celebrate Mother’s Day, it will have to be planned by me. If I want flowers for Mother’s Day, I will probably have to buy them myself. 

And you know what? That’s okay. In time, my daughter will get older, and will know it’s Mother’s Day (the media will never let her forget!), and we will celebrate our mutual unconditional love with traditions that we will develop for ourselves. And maybe I’ll get married again and have more children, and we will have a more “traditional” Mother’s Day celebration like in the advertisements. Either way, for now, I will continue to reap the rewards of being a mother on a daily basis, and put less importance on the significance of one day. 

And as cheesy as that sounds, it’s true. I was on the train the other day thinking about Mother’s Day, and I started to feel a little sad and sorry for myself, and -- I can admit it -- a little bitter. I started thinking the kind of thoughts that I never allow myself to think... like where are my flowers? And why are other moms somehow more worthy of appreciation than I am?

And then I stopped, made my mind go silent, and asked myself if I was happier now, as a single mom, than I was when I was in my marriage. The answer? Yes, no question. Did I feel loved by my daughter? Yes, the truest love I had ever known. And finally, when it came to my personal identity as me, Ariana, had becoming a mother changed me for the better? 

And that’s when I realized that the day my daughter was born was the day everything stopped spinning in my head. She brought me clarity, a sense of everlasting purpose, so much so that I finally had the courage to face my life head-on and make some difficult changes. Becoming a mother brought me an inner calm that I had been searching for my entire life. And becoming a single mother has brought out a deep strength from the core of my being, and has shown me what I am capable of as a mother and as a woman in all aspects of my life.

So while I will not be showered with attention this Mother’s Day, and I may feel a little sad about “missing out”, I know that the benefits of motherhood are not wrapped up in a consumer holiday called Mother’s Day. Every day I reap the benefits through a true sense of purpose, a deep sense of being needed in this world, and the pure love that exists between me and my child. And hey, you know what? Maybe I’ll buy myself some flowers this Mother’s Day. I know which ones I like!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there! You are wonderful!