Ten Fun Things No One Told Me About Parenting a Young Child
When you’re expecting, or just had a baby, everyone wants to give you advice, from your second cousin to the checkout lady at the grocery store. And while I received many helpful (and some decidedly less helpful) tips, there were some things that I had to discover for myself. Here’s a list of ten fun things no one told me about parenting a young child. Can you relate?
1. Your child will unknowingly say or do things that remind you of something dirty, and you and your partner will laugh your asses off while she stares at you like you’re clinically insane.
2. They grow up so gradually that you don’t even notice it, until the day you really notice, when she’s arguing with you and winning. It’s like one day your child is a toddler sitting backward in the backseat with limited understanding and no long-term memory, and the next she is a fully-functioning human who asks you what song lyrics mean while you frantically change the channel looking for a song without the words “lick” and “booty” in it.
3. You will take trips designed for her pleasure, and she will cry and complain and you will swear you’re never taking another trip again. And then you’ll plan another one.
4. If you’re sarcastic and snarky, count on your child being twice as obnoxious. Sometimes I don’t know whether to be outraged or exceedingly proud of things Bean has said to me. I’ve got to hand it to her, this girl comes up with some killer one-liners.
5. You will remember all of the words to all of the songs in “The Little Mermaid,” and when you start singing, she will ask you to please stop.
6. She will want to see and touch your boobs all the time, whether you nurse or not. My daughter is obsessed; she once called them “squishy.”
7. You’ll become very comfortable with poop, in a way you never thought possible. It’s the bond that unites all parents: we wipe butts.
8. You will be exceedingly and unabashedly proud of your child and will love her unconditionally, and yet there will be moments when she tests your patience like no one ever has (usually late at night, when she refuses to go to sleep, or any time you go to the mall with her, or the grocery store, or any store at all).
9. You will feed your child food that you wouldn’t eat yourself. Breast milk? Some may try it, but not me. The same goes for the pureed meat I used to make her. And the pureed peas. And the microwave mac and cheese she loves now.
10. Your child will be your harshest critic and your number one diehard supporter, depending on the day, or the minute. She will point out stretch marks that you sustained from having her, and tell you in no uncertain terms that you need a pedicure stat ("your feet don’t look pretty"). And when she says, “Mommy, I love you,” you will feel the closest thing you’ve ever felt to pure joy.
1. Your child will unknowingly say or do things that remind you of something dirty, and you and your partner will laugh your asses off while she stares at you like you’re clinically insane.
2. They grow up so gradually that you don’t even notice it, until the day you really notice, when she’s arguing with you and winning. It’s like one day your child is a toddler sitting backward in the backseat with limited understanding and no long-term memory, and the next she is a fully-functioning human who asks you what song lyrics mean while you frantically change the channel looking for a song without the words “lick” and “booty” in it.
3. You will take trips designed for her pleasure, and she will cry and complain and you will swear you’re never taking another trip again. And then you’ll plan another one.
4. If you’re sarcastic and snarky, count on your child being twice as obnoxious. Sometimes I don’t know whether to be outraged or exceedingly proud of things Bean has said to me. I’ve got to hand it to her, this girl comes up with some killer one-liners.
5. You will remember all of the words to all of the songs in “The Little Mermaid,” and when you start singing, she will ask you to please stop.
6. She will want to see and touch your boobs all the time, whether you nurse or not. My daughter is obsessed; she once called them “squishy.”
7. You’ll become very comfortable with poop, in a way you never thought possible. It’s the bond that unites all parents: we wipe butts.
8. You will be exceedingly and unabashedly proud of your child and will love her unconditionally, and yet there will be moments when she tests your patience like no one ever has (usually late at night, when she refuses to go to sleep, or any time you go to the mall with her, or the grocery store, or any store at all).
9. You will feed your child food that you wouldn’t eat yourself. Breast milk? Some may try it, but not me. The same goes for the pureed meat I used to make her. And the pureed peas. And the microwave mac and cheese she loves now.
10. Your child will be your harshest critic and your number one diehard supporter, depending on the day, or the minute. She will point out stretch marks that you sustained from having her, and tell you in no uncertain terms that you need a pedicure stat ("your feet don’t look pretty"). And when she says, “Mommy, I love you,” you will feel the closest thing you’ve ever felt to pure joy.
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