Turning Sick Days into Childhood Memories: It's All About Perspective

Today was my first day out of the house after spending the last three days at home with my daughter, who was sick with what turned out to be a sinus infection. And, well, let’s just say that it was nice to converse with other adults again.

I’ve had many challenges since I became a single mom, but by far the greatest challenge has been my daughter’s health. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely fortunate to have a healthy child (my Jewish upbringing dictates that I ward off the evil eye here, pupu), and I can’t even imagine what it must be like for the parents of chronically ill children. But out of necessity, my daughter started going to daycare full-time when she was fourteen months old, and since then I have been playing a game called, “How long can we go before she gets sick again?”

No parent likes to see their child feeling ill, and it is even worse when the child is still very young, and can’t really tell you what hurts. But as much as this experience is universal to all parents, when you are a single parent with a challenging career, it is SO MUCH WORSE. When my daughter gets sick, there is no one else to watch her. I don’t have a spouse to trade off with, I don’t have the option to be a stay-at-home mom, and in my case, I don’t have family that can step in to take care of her. No, when my daughter gets sick, I have me and only me to turn to, and I am forced to take a sick day. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if it was only every once in awhile, but as anyone with children in daycare or preschool knows, little kids get sick a lot. Like you wouldn’t believe how much. My daughter’s immune system is finally starting to build up after more than a year in daycare, and she now gets sick much less often, but let me tell you--for a while there, it was through the roof.

The problem is that every time I call in sick, I fall behind at work. In the past I have missed meetings and important phone calls, and have fallen behind on deadlines, etc, and it has caused me major stress on a number of occasions. So much so, that sometimes when my daughter is sick, it is extremely challenging for me to give her the attention she desires, because I am too busy worrying about the consequences of missing another day of work. I end up not giving her the attention she deserves, and I miss work, too, so by the end of the day I am left feeling depressed, like I have nothing to show for the day that I have just dragged myself through by the skin of my teeth.

I’ve been going through this for over a year now, and each time she gets sick, I ask myself what I can do differently to prevent rapid reoccurrence. Can I get her a flu shot early in the season? Yes! Can I make sure she eats a healthy, balanced diet? Yes! Can I encourage what some might call an almost OCD dedication to hand-washing? Yes, indeed! But what I have learned, of course, is that no matter what I do, she will get sick, because that is what children do. It is part of childhood. And as a philosopher once said, we cannot control what happens to us, we can only control our reaction. 

And it was with that mindset that I approached this most recent bout of sniffly-feveritis. On Saturday, as I began to worry about what would happen if she had the flu and was sick for several days, something clicked in my mind, and I had a mini revelation. I suddenly realized that I had been approaching the situation all wrong. I couldn’t always prevent her from getting sick, but I could control what those sick days were like, for both of us. I thought back to my childhood, and what I wanted from my parents when I was home sick. I remember wishing that sick days in real life were more like sick days on t.v., and wanting nothing more than to spend the day watching t.v. in bed, while eating comforting food, and being allowed to sulk in my misery while having my every need attended to. I didn’t have that experience as a child (I now know that many of us didn’t), but when I became a mother, I told myself that I would do everything in my power to make my childhood dreams my daughter’s reality (no, not in a “Toddler’s and Tiaras” kind of way. Eww.) Since she was born, I have dedicated myself to giving her the most carefree and wonderful childhood that I can possibly give her, and it has become my number one goal in life. 

And so I decided that I would create that dreamed-of sick day experience for my daughter, and I thought about what I could do to make her days at home as special as possible. I decided that she could watch as much t.v. as she wanted (though I tried to discourage her from watching back to back “Mickey Mouse Club House.”) I offered her any food her heart desired (we have amazing delivery in Oakland, and the bomb Whole Foods up the street.) I tripped over things for her amusement, and pretended to be a baby, which really cracks her up. In short, I dedicated those days to her. 

It may have taken me awhile to figure this out, but the only thing I can truly control about my daughter’s sick days is the quality of day I create for her at home. Work concerns will always be there, and that won’t go away, but her childhood will. Day by day, she is getting older, and this is my chance to create her childhood memories. I know now that it is a waste to see it any other way.