My Quest to be Clair Huxtable: I'm trying not to be a yelling mom

I’m trying not to be a yelling mom, and lately I’ve had to try a lot harder.

I grew up with a lot of yelling, and I always promised myself that if I ever had a child I would not be like that. I’ve always held a deep belief that good parents don’t yell. Sure, maybe they yell every once in awhile--no one is perfect--but they don’t yell all the time, and they don’t hit. They control themselves, exerting patience, and triumphing over their basic human instincts which tell them to get angry and lash out when their children will not behave. 

For the most part, I still believe this. I believe that every parent gets angry, but the “best” parents learn to remain calm when angry, and dole out punishments in a logical, non temper-fueled fashion. I never wanted to be yelling-mom Debra Barone on “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I wanted to be Clair Huxtable on “The Cosby Show;” the calm, clever mom. And incidentally, the lawyer mom, which is funny as I work at a law firm. But I didn’t realize just how much patience it takes to be the calm, clever mom until recently, when my daughter really hit the full swing of her terrible two’s. 

The thing about me is, I’m not a very patient person, by nature. I’m sarcastic and impatient and extremely independent. And I have a sharp, witty tongue--or what I call “sass,” on a good day. And as it turns out, my daughter is a lot like me.

You know, they say people are most bothered by the qualities in others which they have in themselves, and in the case of me and my daughter, the student has already officially out-sassed the teacher. If you ever watch the show “Modern Family,” you know the characters Mitchell and Cameron and their daughter Lily. Out of all the characters on all the sitcoms I’ve ever watched (which is a lot), they are some of my favorites, because I relate to their parent/child relationship so much. Bina even has the deadpan down, just like Lily. She will hit you with the sassiest one-liner you ever heard, and all without batting an eye. 

When I ask Bina to clean up her toys, and she holds up two fingers, nods slowly like I’m Forrest Gump and says, “In two minutes, k? Two minutes,” I am filled with a mixture of annoyance, impatience, and pride in her quick wit and ability to correctly imitate what she obviously hears her mother saying on a daily basis. When she tells me to go to my room, I am both aggravated and amused that she’s trying to get me out of the way so she can get into some mischief. I want to yell when she has a comeback for everything I say, or when she takes too long to get ready in the morning, or insists on doing everything without any help, or tells me an outrageously creative “story,” in an attempt to cover her tracks. But how can I get angry with her for qualities she has clearly learned and inherited from me? (P.s. No, I’m not saying she learned how to lie from me. But, I DO write fiction, which is basically the same thing.)

I would say that I’m well on my way to becoming the world’s most calm and patient parent, but that would be a lie. Instead, I’m trying to find a way to pick my battles. Recently I read a quote from Pink, who gave birth to her daughter just a few days before I gave birth to mine. She said, “I’m not going to take my daughter’s fierceness personally. My mom took all my behavior personally, and thought it was rebellion against her. It was just me being me. I want to remember this with my daughter. It’s not about me.” 

And that pretty much sums it up for me and my daughter, too. When I’m frustrated with her behavior, I have to remind myself that it’s not about me. She is learning to express herself, and unless she’s being unnecessarily cruel or extremely uncooperative, I want to give her the space to do so. I’ll be Clair, the calm, cool, career mama.

Yeah, I like the sound of that.